I haven’t written something one my blog in awhile and this entry will be quite different. This entry is me trying to get somethings off my chest. I won’t excuse myself for my lack of posting. This is more of a reflective post. It’s something that I need to do for myself. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll really feel that I won’t truly be able to express who I really am. This post is merely venting and I want to apologize ahead of time if there seems to be alot of talking about myself. The truth is I need a place to talk about things, and I feel this could be a place were someone else also tackling these demons could come here to talk. I want something that would get people can relate to but maybe not. Regardless, I’ll get on with it.
Where to, little mind of mine?
I have been a little lost of late. I would describe myself as a open minded agnostic atheist over the past couple years. Why you may ask? Simply because I’ve found organized religion to be too constraining, because I believe that there are paths work for someone. I have nothing against organized religion, in fact, I support it in front of the militaristic atheist that believe it should be eradicated. Every person must find his/her own path, and I have no right to judge them (that is, as long as they do so without infringing on the liberties of others). But I’ve been haunted by some unquenchable question of personal relevance and identity. See, with this philosophy (trying to have the ultimate open mindedness), there’s an identity crisis. A struggle to find solid grounding because on the very same philosophy that I’m talking about calls for quick adaptability and acceptance for new ideas. Logic is something that purely defines this style of living but rarely fills the void of the soul. There are vegetarian-like ways to substitute something that we all need. Understanding. Purpose. Hope. But, unlike being vegan, there is no substitution for feeling lost. And I have for awhile. In this search for answers, I find the best answer for me has been secular Humanism. The belief that people can do anything, good or bad. Something that I’m proud to say is a great philosophy. But I’m not sure if it completely fills my heart. It does however work for me and I’m OK with that.
Defining Self Identity
The big word -identity- is something that I’ve been looking for forever. Unfortunately, this quality is something that I can’t fully grasp but rather let go. I’m trying to be comfortable with letting the wind carry my in this typhoon we call life. I let my moments and decisions define me rather than some creed. Science and philosophy teaches me the logic I need to understand how the world works and how it should work. I strive to make everyone around me do better, and be better. I’m a team player, but I’m certainly no push over. I stand tall on my beliefs and I let those qualities show. But such passion in what I believe in can be taking as a abrasive or brash quality. But, contrary to popular belief, that’s not the case. I take criticism opening and honestly with full sincerity. There is ALWAYS something to work on. I am certainly no exception. But it’s kinda a twisting cavern of self doubt that is created. I’m always willing to take criticism over applause. The creation of a self-doubting schism is created in my mind. It’s the cross roads of growth and misery. It becomes a lonely existence. I don’t like taking credit, or being the bravado that comes with success. I prefer to be silent and cheer someone else. Its a quality I hate about myself but something that I have to accept.
Lonely but not forgotten
The truth is, I do want something to come home to. A family of my own, a women -no- a friend I call my own forever. However, I understand that there are somethings that have a higher priority. Humanity is a fickle species. We trounce around saying we are the new gods of this world, conquistadors of free thought and the last ones standing in this empty void that is our lifeless galaxy. We have come to accept that we are the only ones that have conquered self expression and truly high intelligence. Yet, we are mortal, and restless. Our weakness turned to strength. Through our conquests, we justify curtailing Mother Nature with science and accepting the uncontrollable events with religion. The truth is, I don’t accept our superiority. In fact, I still believe we are getting weaker. We fight among one another, we mutate our planet, and create nations to combat ourselves. Because we are afraid of our heritage. Of our animal instinct. We need to use our superior logic to protect the weak. We need to keep this home of ours alive. We need to keep mother nature wild and free. We need to evolve into something more. We need to be better people. We need something to push us past our fear. This is something I’m willing to sacrifice everything for. I want peace among our fellow man, and a future that generations after us can have. I feel that people are too short-sighted and should look to the future as hopeful rather than dark and gloomy. Unfortunately, it’s hard not see that with the current affairs of things happening today, that won’t happen. And that’s what scares me, our inability to use our foresight.
Something We Need
I believe we need to have hope again. And I’m not talking about the thing we talk about in fantasy novels, or see in movies. I’m talking about something that can push us forward. We should care about the important questions rather than get lost in our own spaces. Let’s take our very own imaginative minds and come up with something that could give people true liberty and happiness. Let’s bind each other hands and just be happy. Not judgmental, gossipy, or hurtful. I know that I may sound naive and young but I honestly believe that we can do it. We need the drive. We need people dedicated to changing. We need to be open-minded and educated. We can push past our violent natures and become something more. We are capable of destroying worlds but should become something more. We capable of creating worlds. We can be capable of making things better.